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I feel like a kid who’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Getting into trouble for doing something she shouldn’t, something "bad", but feeling confused because it felt so right at the time. It was just too good to resist. Because something that good just couldn’t be bad, could it?
I feel like a kid who’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Getting into trouble for doing something she shouldn’t, something "bad", but feeling confused because it felt so right at the time. It was just too good to resist. Because something that good just couldn’t be bad, could it?

I’m feeling scared because for once I can’t just hide my feelings away, like every other time. This time they just keep coming back to haunt me, to remind me of what could never be.

Every time I allow myself to feel, I think and the memories and “what-could-have-beens” make me ill. I want to vomit, to scream and more strangely to curl up and cry and cry…. These alien emotions are so unlike me and they are terrifying.

I can’t just put on a mask anymore and play a mannequin. I am finding it increasingly difficult having to pretend. I want to change… but I can’t. My whole life has been about how my friends are and their problems. I’m the Love Pharmacist, dispensing soothing, healing advice, with no actual concern for me, myself. And I am content with this role.

I was content with this role.

But my damn feelings are stopping me from bottling up this time. They won’t allow themselves to be buried in the depths of my heart or lost in the folds of my mind. They keep surfacing, like a stubborn illness, to attack when my resistance is low. They are forcing me to confront them, something I have never done.

And I don’t want to. I want to forget about my feelings. I want to carry on acting as though they never existed, carry on being me. The before me.

I sometimes think I was never meant to have my own feelings. I sometimes feel that my job here on earth is to be there for other people. Listen to their problems and give them advice. Because every time I start to feel something, it was never meant to be. Fate keeps dealing me bad hands and I continue playing the game of life. But this round my poker face is slipping and if I’m not given a good hand soon, I am going to have to quit this game.

Damn him for making me dream, making me hope, making me feel….
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:iconiwantdumplings:
IWantDumplings Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2006
wow. that was really deep and made me think. im glad that u found a way to release ur inner feelings ^^
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:iconsuspicious-mole:
suspicious-mole Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2004   Photographer
hmmm...
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:iconhrhlaura:
HrhLaura Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
wats that supposed to mean?
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:iconsuspicious-mole:
suspicious-mole Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2004   Photographer
impressive, very deep.

:hug:
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:iconsuspicious-mole:
suspicious-mole Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2004   Photographer
impressive, very deep.
Reply
:iconexoart:
exoart Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2004
This is excellent Lau, I know exactly what u talkin about...
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:iconhrhlaura:
HrhLaura Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug: thanx. that was the only way i could get the hurt out!
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October 28, 2004
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